Friday, December 9th was 3 months since we buried our precious son. I get sick to my stomach thinking of his body being underground. ugh...hate it!
I've been wanting to make something to put on his grave. Finally I decided I would make a wreath. I made the wreath today and I think it turned out great. Way better than one we would have boughten at the store. Nothing is perfect enough for him or ever will be.
I love you to the moon and back Aidyn Clare! Even that does not even begin to describe how much I love you. But do know that Mommy will love you forever!!!
So today is the 4th again. The 4th of every month will always be a reminder of the last day Aidyn was alive. Tomorrow is the 5th, 13 weeks or 3 months since he has been gone. The pain is still really intense at times. Our reality is that there will always be a void in our lives. We will always miss Aidyn and wonder what it would be like with him here. We will never "get over it" no matter how much time goes by.
I try to block stuff out so I can manage to do everyday activities, but it's impossible. While in the store today I just happened to see a guy with a baby that looked to be about how old Aidyn would be. Tears instantly filled my eyes. Scott should have been holding Aidyn while we were shopping. Our new normal SUCKS!!! No one would even know that we are parents and that hurts, but we are Aidyn's and I wouldn't change that for the world.
Today we went to the zoo to check out the baby memorial garden. We are going to purchase a memorial brick to be placed in the garden. We had the zoo to ourselves, which was nice in regards to my emotional state of mind.
I'm hanging onto Hope and Jesus Christ!
I'll love and miss you forever Aidyn Clare!! Love Mommy
I have a lot to be thankful for even though my heart is in heaven. Most of all, I am very thankful for Aidyn Clare. Thankful for being his mother and carrying him in my womb for 39 weeks and 4 days. It's hard living without him!
I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, and when I reach heaven, my baby you'll still be!
I love you Aidyn Clare! <3 Mommy
1. My new normal is waking up every morning to silence and thinking of my son.
2. My new normal is wondering when I will feel happiness again.
3. My new normal is visiting my son at his grave everyday.
4. My new normal is asking why? and what if?
5. My new normal is being angry that others get to have there children and I don't.
6. My new normal is not being able to express my true feelings to others because they don't "get it". I don't want them to think I'm "crazy".
7. My new normal is searching blogs to find others who share the same pain.
8. My new normal is wishing the days away.
9. My new normal is wondering how I'm going to feel from minute to minute.
10. My new normal is being angry when others don't mention Aidyn, but then angry when they want to talk about him as if they know how I feel.
11. My new normal is searching for things to buy to put on his grave, for holidays, and for his birthday.
12. My new normal is wondering how I'm going to live without Aidyn.
13. My new normal is having regrets of things I wish I would have done while I had the chance: change his diaper, bathed him, looked at his whole body, sung to him, rocked him, held him longer, took lots of pictures,
14. My new normal is wishing this was all a really bad dream.
15. My new normal is wondering what he would look like and be doing at 10 weeks and 6 days old, today.
16. My new normal is reading books on grief and finding hope.
17. My new normal is trying to accept my new normal.
18. My new normal is reliving our tragedy everyday.
19. My new normal is feeling excruciating, emotional, pain for the loss of my son, Aidyn Clare whom I love soooo very much.
20. My new normal is being a mother to a baby in heaven and trying to figure out how I can still be a mother here on earth to Aidyn.
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.
"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"
"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."
"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...
'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'
"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!"
Mommy Loves you FOREVER Aidyn Clare! I Miss You every second of everyday!
Two months. I hate how time goes by so fast. I hate feeling that much further away from Aidyn, but then again, we are that much closer to being with him.
We made it through Halloween. We stayed inside and I closed the blinds. I didn't want to see the children all dressed up, much more, the babies. It hurt to not be able to dress Aidyn up or wear the shirt my mom had bought for him, which hangs in his closet. Instead of being able to take him to our parents to show him off our Halloween consisted of visiting him at his resting place. Halloween really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, it's Thanksgiving and Christmas that I dread....the emptiness....our hopes and dreams shattered.
I love you Aidyn Clare! You're forever in our hearts! Mommy
All I can do is ask why. Why did this happen to us? I get so angry! I get so mad when I see others with their babies. Why can't we have ours? It's just not FAIR! We deserve our baby boy too, darn it all! We entered the hospital anticipating the joy we would leave with and ended up leaving with empty arms and empty hearts. We're broken.
I feel as if others have moved on. We're stuck in time. I'm still waiting...waiting to wake up and have this be a really bad dream. I'm not crazy. I'm just a mother that is mourning the loss of her child. A mother that never got to see her baby boys eyes. A mother that never got the chance to rock her baby to sleep or feed her baby. A mother that will never get to do a lot of things for her baby boy, here on earth.
It is so frustrating to hear others complain about their lives and their children. Oh, what I wouldn't give to have sleepless nights and have so called "problems". I know they don't understand and I don't want them to understand what it feels like to not have a child here on earth because it is so PAINFUL.
The grieving process is so hard to understand. At times I'm okay and then it hits me like a ton of bricks. Sometimes my chest feels heavy and I feel like I could vomit. I think people think I'm fine because I'm not crying all the time. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I just can't cry anymore. If I smile, it's not a true smile. I'm not happy at all. My happiness left with Aidyn.
1. I like to hear Aidyn's name.
2. Aidyn is a part of Scott and I. I want him to be remembered on Holidays and everyday.
3. I don't want people to pretend like nothing happened.
4. Work is a distraction. I still think of Aidyn at work. I'm still not sure how I feel about discussing Aidyn with co-workers. As I said, work is a distraction.
5. I don't want to be around a lot of people.
6. I don't want to bring others down, that's why I'm distancing myself.
7. The sight of pregnant woman and baby boys is a punch in the gut.
8. Everything can be a reminder of what could have been.
9. I don't want to see a counseler, at least at the time being. I don't want someone telling me how I should be feeling or what I need to do. I have found some comfort in talking with other baby loss mothers, they understand.
10. I have found comfort in God, but it doesn't take the pain of losing Aidyn away.
11. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, but I do want them to pray for us and our healing. I want them to pray for Aidyn and his new life with the Lord.
12. I'm taking it one minute at a time. I know we'll make it through, some how.
13. I'm angry and very hurt.
14. I feel like I've been robbed. Robbed of being a earthly mother twice. I've wanted this for so long.
15. I prayed for a healthy child, but never thought of praying to have a healthy living child.
I love you Aidyn Clare!! You have made me proud! Love you Forever....Mommy
Your footprints are embedded on our hearts FOREVER, Aidyn Clare!!
Today, it has been seven weeks since Aidyn entered Heaven. We miss him so much and the pain is unbearable at times. We're holding onto our faith, hope, each other, and knowing we will someday enter into Heaven and spend eternity with our precious son.
I will love you Forever, Aidyn Clare!! Mommy misses you soooo much! :*(
I thought of you with love today but that is nothing new
I thought about you yesterday and days before that too,
I think of you in silence I often speak your name
All I have are memories and your picture in a frame
Your memory is my keepsake with which I’ll never part
God has you in His keeping I have you in my heart.
I'm learning how to live without Aidyn, here on earth. I am so lost without him. I could only wish to have endless jobs to do here at home and no time to rest. I wish my schedule was full. Instead, all I have is time, time to sit and think of how things could be different. I think of Aidyn and how much I miss him and love him. I look at each day as me being that much closer to being with him.
I just found out that the book I often read to Aidyn, while he was in my womb and left with him, "Love you Forever", was written as a memorial for the authors' two stillborn babies they had in 1979 and 1980. So many connections. I could hardly read this book without crying and now I definitely will never be able to read it without tears.
This song really doesn't have anything to do with our angel, Aidyn, but some of the lyrics remind me of him. This song is the first song Scott heard after his passing and mine as well. It came on when I got in the car to go home from the hospital. It will always be a reminder of that day. The following lines of the lyrics have meaning to me:
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
(I wonder who Aidyn would have married and I only hoped all of his dreams would have come true)
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.
(I only wish I could have seen his eyes. I wish he could have seen my face. I'm thankful for being able to see his. He is the most beautiful child I have ever seen...angelic)
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
(I never thought I would have had a child so perfect. Having him was a miracle! I still wish nothing but the best for Aidyn)
You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
(My pregnancy and his birth was the best times of our lives!)
Bound by the surprise of our glory days
(We never knew something so small and pure could bring such happiness in our lives)
Don't forget me, I beg
(I hope and pray (I know he won't forget me, but it's so hard to process) he doesn't forget me and he's the first one I meet in Heaven.)
Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
(I have no regrets. We have a lot of memories with Aidyn, just not the ones we had imagined to have. His presence was momentary and we are in pain and feel empty, but he is so happy in Heaven right now with God)
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.
(Our love for him is so strong and indescribable. We now know how much love can hurt.)
Going shopping is hard. Instead of looking for toys to buy for Aidyn, we look for items we think would be nice to put on his grave. This is so difficult. Everything is a reminder of what could have been. Everywhere there is a reminder of Aidyn's future. No matter what, everywhere I turn there is a reminder. My heart is broken into pieces. I'm a mother yearning for her child to love here on earth. It's very difficult, but I must find ways to love him and care for him in Heaven.
The holidays are going to be very difficult. I'm already thinking about how empty it is going to feel without him here for all of the holidays, especially Christmas. We are going to miss out on a lot. We don't have the joy of buying him gifts to open up on Christmas morning. Instead, we can only buy something for him in remembrance of him.
I already dread Mother's day. I know I'm a mother and I'm very proud to be Aidyn's mother!! He is mine and such a wonderful gift from God. No matter how painful it is to have him gone, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, especially if it meant I could hold and kiss him again. Oh how I miss him in my arms!
14Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”15When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there.
Matthew 19:14
"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, and when I reach Heaven, my baby you'll still be." I love you Aidyn Clare! - Mommy
So today is our 3 year anniversary. This is not how it was supposed to be or at least the way we invisioned spending our anniversary....without our son. We thought we had it all planned out. We would buy a house, get married, and start a family. Never thought we would be where we are today, morning the loss of our son. Our life is in God's hands and I accept that. I believe Aidyn is a super happy little boy in heaven and is safe in his permanant "home". Even though I believe this, the selfish/mother part of me still wants to have him here with me.
This week is my first week back to work. It has been going okay. I was afraid of going back because I didn't want my co-workers/parents/children mentioning our loss. Although, today it happened, an innocent child stood in front of me and kept looking at my belly (she had seen me all last year and a few days before I had had him) and then looking up at my face. I knew what was coming. No matter how much I thought I was prepared, I wasn't. She finally asked me about Aidyn. She said, "Where's the baby?" I said, "He's in Heaven with God." She said, "Why did he die?" I got choked up and finally said, "Because his heart stopped working." I couldn't help but start to cry. I walked away and went where she and the other child that was standing beside her could not see me. I got myself together and then was able to present myself again. Luckily, she didn't say anything else about it the rest of the day. I wish this was the last time and only time for this to occur, but I know that there will be otheres, whether it be another child or an adult that never got the memo.
I still feel emptiness and pain. I miss him just as much or even more as I did on Sept. 5th.
I love and miss you Aidyn. Mommy will love you Forever!
I can't believe it has been one month since I held my baby Aidyn in my arms and he entered Heaven. I didn't get to hold him long enough. I want so badly to hold him in my arms and tell him how much I love him. I miss him so very much, it hurts!
We have been very blessed to have such wonderful caring family and friends in our lives. We couldn't do this without them. Our parents have been so helpful and comforting. We can't tell my sister thank-you enough for everything she has done to help us out. My brother made a cross to place at Aidyn's resting place and it is PERFECT! What an awesome Uncle! Words cannot express how much that meant to us. Aidyn would be proud to be part of such a loving family. He is loved soooo much by everyone and it shows.
It was nice to get away for a few days, but the hurt and pain is still the same. It's hard going any place and not be reminded of the hopes and dreams we had for Aidyn. I think about what he would have looked like as he grew up. I wonder what his favorite toys would have been and his favorite places to visit. I wish I could see his face when we fed him different foods for the first time. There's so many things I want to do: comb his hair, give him a bath, change his diaper, tickle him, play for endless hours, hear him laugh, hear him say "I love you", take him to the park, watch him open presents and look at Christmas lights, hear his first words, watch him get into things he's not supposed to, sing and rock him to sleep, read books to him, hug and kiss him.....the list is endless!!
While we were away, we were asked one of the hardest questions. We were asked if we had little ones by a sales lady. I wanted to say yes, a beautiful baby boy, but instead I looked away and Scott answered the question. I know that question will be asked again some day and I will answer YES! I do have a child, a heavenly child.
I feel very blessed that Aidyn chose me to be his mommy. There are many things I will never know about Aidyn, but I do know a few things from the time I spent with him as he grew inside me. Aidyn got the hiccups at least 2-3 times a day. He was a night owl, he was most alert at night time when I would lay on my left side. I believe he would have loved books (mommy would have made sure of it) because I read to him often. He liked his daddy's voice. Aidyn would often start moving around a lot when he heard his daddy's voice. He liked his space. If you touched my belly, he would push back. Wish I knew him here on earth!
Just some side notes:
-Just because I'm not crying, doesn't mean I'm not hurting inside.
-If you ask me how I'm doing, I'll probably say okay. The truth is, I'm not okay. I'm torn inside.
I love and miss you to pieces Aidyn Clare! - Mommy
Another rough morning. I awake to the silence of our house, its almost deafening. I yearn to hear the cry of baby Aidyn, which I never got to hear. Our house feels empty and broken like our hearts. My arms ache for him.
There are so many things I wish I could/would have done. Wish I would have unwrapped him and looked at his whole body from his head to his toes. Wish I would have held him longer and gave him many more kisses. I can't wait until I see my baby boy again. Until then, may Jesus hold him in his arms and show him the love we have for him here on earth.
"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, and when I reach heaven, my baby you'll still be."
Love you so much baby boy. Love- Mommy
We lost our son, Aidyn Clare on Sept. 5th, 2011, 3 days before his EDD. The reason for his death is unknown. Aidyn was healthy throughout the whole pregnancy, so his loss to us was very shocking. We would like to reach out to others who have had a similar experience. May God strengthen us and hold us in his arms as we go through this journey.
