An Empty Crib, An Empty Heart

All I can do is ask why. Why did this happen to us? I get so angry! I get so mad when I see others with their babies. Why can't we have ours? It's just not FAIR! We deserve our baby boy too,  darn it all!  We entered the hospital anticipating the joy we would leave with and ended up leaving with empty arms and empty hearts. We're broken.
I feel as if others have moved on.  We're stuck in time. I'm still waiting...waiting to wake up and have this be a really bad dream. I'm not crazy. I'm just a mother that is mourning the loss of her child.  A mother that never got to see her baby boys eyes.  A mother that never got the chance to rock her baby to sleep or feed her baby.  A mother that will never get to do a lot of things for her baby boy, here on earth.
It is so frustrating to hear others complain about their lives and their children.  Oh, what I wouldn't give to have sleepless nights and have so called "problems".  I know they don't understand and I don't want them to understand what it feels like to not have a child here on earth because it is so PAINFUL.
The grieving process is so hard to understand.   At times I'm okay and then it hits me like a ton of bricks.  Sometimes my chest feels heavy and I feel like I could vomit.  I think people think I'm fine because I'm not crying all the time.  Honestly, sometimes I feel like I just can't cry anymore.  If I smile, it's not a true smile.  I'm not happy at all. My happiness left with Aidyn.

1. I like to hear Aidyn's name.
2. Aidyn is a part of Scott and I. I want him to be remembered on Holidays and everyday.
3. I don't want people to pretend like nothing happened.
4. Work is a distraction.  I still think of Aidyn at work.  I'm still not sure how I feel about discussing Aidyn with co-workers.  As I said, work is a distraction.
5. I don't want to be around a lot of people.
6. I don't want to bring others down, that's why I'm distancing myself.
7. The sight of pregnant woman and baby boys is a punch in the gut.
8. Everything can be a reminder of what could have been.
9. I don't want to see a counseler, at least at the time being. I don't want someone telling me how I should be feeling or what I need to do.  I have found some comfort in talking with other baby loss mothers, they understand.
10. I have found comfort in God, but it doesn't take the pain of losing Aidyn away. 
11. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, but I do want them to pray for us and our healing.  I want them to pray for Aidyn and his new life with the Lord.
12. I'm taking it one minute at a time. I know we'll make it through, some how.
13. I'm angry and very hurt.
14. I feel like I've been robbed.  Robbed of being a earthly mother twice.  I've wanted this for so long.
15. I prayed for a healthy child, but never thought of praying to have a healthy living child.

I love you Aidyn Clare!! You have made me proud! Love you Forever....Mommy

Your Footprints

Your footprints are embedded on our hearts FOREVER, Aidyn Clare!!

Today, it has been seven weeks since Aidyn entered Heaven. We miss him so much and the pain is unbearable at times.  We're holding onto our faith, hope, each other, and knowing we will someday enter into Heaven and spend eternity with our precious son.

I will love you Forever, Aidyn Clare!! Mommy misses you soooo much! :*(

Love you FOREVER!

I thought of you with love today but that is nothing new
I thought about you yesterday and days before that too,
I think of you in silence I often speak your name
All I have are memories and your picture in a frame
Your memory is my keepsake with which I’ll never part
God has you in His keeping I have you in my heart.

I'm learning how to live without Aidyn, here on earth.  I am so lost without him.  I could only wish to have endless jobs to do here at home and no time to rest.  I wish my schedule was full.  Instead, all I have is time, time to sit and think of how things could be different.  I think of Aidyn and how much I miss him and love him.  I look at each day as me being that much closer to being with him. 

I just found out that the book I often read to Aidyn, while he was in my womb and left with him, "Love you Forever", was written as a memorial for the authors' two stillborn babies they had in 1979 and 1980.  So many connections.  I could hardly read this book without crying and now I definitely will never be able to read it without tears.  

Mommy will always love you forever Aidyn Clare!

I Am The Face

I am the face of a miscarriage and an infant loss. Today we will be lighting a candle in honor of our babies. 

Someone Like You

This song really doesn't have anything to do with our angel, Aidyn, but some of the lyrics remind me of him.  This song is the first song Scott heard after his passing and mine as well.  It came on when I got in the car to go home from the hospital.  It will always be a reminder of that day.  The following lines of the lyrics have meaning to me:

That you found a girl and you're married now.

I heard that your dreams came true.

(I wonder who Aidyn would have married and I only hoped all of his dreams would have come true)

I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded

That for me it isn't over.

(I only wish I could have seen his eyes.  I wish he could have seen my face.  I'm thankful for being able to see his.  He is the most beautiful child I have ever seen...angelic)

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

(I never thought I would have had a child so perfect.  Having him was a miracle! I still wish nothing but the best for Aidyn)

You know how the time flies

Only yesterday was the time of our lives

(My pregnancy and his birth was the best times of our lives!)

Bound by the surprise of our glory days

(We never knew something so small and pure could bring such happiness in our lives)

Don't forget me, I beg

(I hope and pray (I know he won't forget me, but it's so hard to process) he doesn't forget me and he's the first one I meet in Heaven.)

Nothing compares

No worries or cares

Regrets and mistakes

They are memories made.

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

(I have no regrets.  We have a lot of memories with Aidyn, just not the ones we had imagined to have.  His presence was momentary and we are in pain and feel empty, but he is so happy in Heaven right now with God)

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

(Our love for him is so strong and indescribable.  We now know how much love can hurt.)

Going shopping is hard. Instead of looking for toys to buy for Aidyn, we look for items we think would be nice to put on his grave.  This is so difficult.  Everything is a reminder of what could have been.  Everywhere there is a reminder of Aidyn's future.  No matter what, everywhere I turn there is a reminder.  My heart is broken into pieces.  I'm  a mother yearning for her child to love here on earth.  It's very difficult, but I must find ways to love him and care for him in Heaven. 

The holidays are going to be very difficult.  I'm already thinking about how empty it is going to feel without him here for all of the holidays, especially Christmas.  We are going to miss out on a lot.  We don't have the joy of buying him gifts to open up on Christmas morning.  Instead, we can only buy something for him in remembrance of him. 

I already dread Mother's day.  I know I'm a mother and I'm very proud to be Aidyn's mother!! He is mine and such a wonderful gift from God.  No matter how painful it is to have him gone, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, especially if it meant I could hold and kiss him again.  Oh how I miss him in my arms!

14Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” 15When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there.

Matthew 19:14

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, and when I reach Heaven, my baby you'll still be."  I love you Aidyn Clare! - Mommy

3 Years & Empty Arms

So today is our 3 year anniversary.  This is not how it was supposed to be or at least the way we invisioned spending our anniversary....without our son.  We thought we had it all planned out.  We would buy a house, get married, and start a family.  Never thought we would be where we are today, morning the loss of our son.  Our life is in God's hands and I accept that.  I believe Aidyn is a super happy little boy in heaven and is safe in his permanant "home".  Even though I believe this, the selfish/mother part of me still wants to have him here with me.

This week is my first week back to work.  It has been going okay.  I was afraid of going back because I didn't want my co-workers/parents/children mentioning our loss.  Although, today it happened, an innocent child stood in front of me and kept looking at my belly (she had seen me all last year and a few days before I had had him) and then looking up at my face.  I knew what was coming.  No matter how much I thought I was prepared, I wasn't.  She finally asked me about Aidyn.  She said, "Where's the baby?"  I said, "He's in Heaven with God."  She said, "Why did he die?"  I got choked up and finally said, "Because his heart stopped working." I couldn't help but start to cry.  I walked away and went where she and the other child that was standing beside her could not see me.  I got myself together and then was able to present myself again.  Luckily, she didn't say anything else about it the rest of the day.  I wish this was the last time and only time for this to occur, but I know that there will be otheres, whether it be another child or an adult that never got the memo. 

I still feel emptiness and pain.  I miss him just as much or even more as I did on Sept. 5th. 

I love and miss you Aidyn.  Mommy will love you Forever!

1 month

I can't believe it has been one month since I held my baby Aidyn in my arms and he entered Heaven.  I didn't get to hold him long enough.  I want so badly to hold him in my arms and tell him how much I love him.  I miss him so very much, it hurts!

Love you forever baby boy! Mommy

 

On a Positive Note

We have been very blessed to have such wonderful caring family and friends in our lives.  We couldn't do this without them.  Our parents have been so helpful and comforting.  We can't tell my sister thank-you enough for everything she has done to help us out.  My brother made a cross to place at Aidyn's resting place and it is PERFECT!  What an awesome Uncle!  Words cannot express how much that meant to us.  Aidyn would be proud to be part of such a loving family.  He is loved soooo much by everyone and it shows. 

Love you Aidyn Clare! Mommy

Precious Little One

   Precious Little One

         Aidyn Clare

     September 5, 2011

I’m just a precious little one

Who didn’t make it there.

I went straight to be with Jesus,

But I’m waiting for you here.

Many dwelling here where I live,

Waited years to enter in.

Struggled through a world of sorrow,

A world marred with pain and sin.

Thank you for the life you gave me,

It was brief but don’t complain.

I have all Heaven’s Glory,

Suffered none of earth’s great pain.

Thank you for the name you gave me.

I’d have loved to bring it fame.

But if I’d lingered in earth’s shadows,

I would have suffered just the same.

So sweet family-don’t you sorrow.

Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.

I went straight to Jesus’ arms

From my loving Mother’s womb.

(*Thanks Dawn!*)

We'll love you FOREVER Aidyn Clare!!  Mommy & Daddy

The Pain is Still the SAME

It was nice to get away for a few days, but the hurt and pain is still the same.  It's hard going any place and not be reminded of the hopes and dreams we had for Aidyn.  I think about what he would have looked like as he grew up.  I wonder what his favorite toys would have been and his favorite places to visit.  I wish I could see his face when we fed him different foods for the first time.  There's so many things I want to do: comb his hair, give him a bath, change his diaper, tickle him, play for endless hours, hear him laugh, hear him say "I love you", take him to the park, watch him open presents and look at Christmas lights, hear his first words, watch him get into things he's not supposed to, sing and rock him to sleep, read books to him, hug and kiss him.....the list is endless!!

While we were away, we were asked one of the hardest questions.  We were asked if we had little ones by a sales lady.  I wanted to say yes, a beautiful baby boy, but instead I looked away and Scott answered the question.  I know that question will be asked again some day and I will answer YES!  I do have a child, a heavenly child. 

I feel very blessed that Aidyn chose me to be his mommy.  There are many things I will never know about Aidyn, but I do know a few things from the time I spent with him as he grew inside me.  Aidyn got the hiccups at least 2-3 times a day.  He was a night owl, he was most alert at night time when I would lay on my left side.  I believe he would have loved books (mommy would have made sure of it) because I read to him often.  He liked his daddy's voice.  Aidyn would often start moving around a lot when he heard his daddy's voice.  He liked his space.  If you touched my belly, he would push back.  Wish I knew him here on earth!

Just some side notes:
-Just because I'm not crying, doesn't mean I'm not hurting inside.
-If you ask me how I'm doing, I'll probably say okay.  The truth is, I'm not okay.  I'm torn inside.


I love and miss you to pieces Aidyn Clare! - Mommy  

Closer to You

Everyday I get closer to seeing & holding you in my arms.  Can't wait for that day!
I love you Aidyn Clare!