My Wish, For You

Triggers pop up when I least expect them.  The tears are at the surface and ready to flow at any given second.  This past weekend at a wedding reception (our first since you went to be with Jesus) watching the mother and son dance (and to the song- My Wish by Rascal Flatts) pulled the trigger.  The trigger of emotions and longing for you Aidyn Clare.  I will never get to dance with you at your wedding.  Oh, how I wish I could have that dance with you.  I will wait to dance with you in heaven.

I love you to heaven and back my sweet son, forever and always.  -Mommy

Oh, God How I Need You

20 months- how can it be?

I love and miss you so very much sweet Aidyn. 

I still can't believe this is our life, one without you.  One where I think over and over again, "My baby died", repeat, repeat, repeat. 

Mother's Day is approaching and I feel the heaviness in my heart. It's so hard to celebrate being a mother or even feel like one when my children are in heaven. 

I love you forever and always- Hugs & Kisses- Mommy

Missing you

Dear Aidyn,

I can't believe it has been 19 months since I've seen your beautiful face.  I miss you so very much and the longing for you has not ceased.  Learning to live without you is not easy.  We had so many plans for you and we are missing out on so much.  I can only imagine what you would be like today.  I often wonder what kind of personality you would have and oh how I long for your smile, hugs, kisses, giggles, and sweet voice.  Sweet boy, I love you so very much.  Until we meet again.

Love you forever and always,
Mommy

Another 5th

Oh, sweet boy how I miss you so much.  I miss you more and more every.single.day. It's hard to believe all that I have missed out on, who you would be today.  I try to imagine what you would look like and what kind of personality you would have.  I do know you would be so loved by everyone and bring us so much joy.

My heart breaks a little more today as a very special boy, whom you would have been buddies with, was diagnosed with leukemia.  The 5th always hurts, but it hurts just that much more knowing a little boy has to go through such suffering.  I hope God will heal his body and give him comfort.

I love you forever and always.
Mommy

16 Months.....I Still Need You

16 months since you were born and went to heaven
16 months since I saw your beautiful face
16 months since I held you
16 months since I kissed your cheek
16 months since I learned what true love was
16 months since my heart was shattered
16 months since I said hello and goodbye

16 months is WAY too LONG. It's still so hard to believe that I have to live the rest of my life without you.

I'll love you forever sweet boy!
Mommy

Grief is not a disease

Crocodile Tears

Missing You....Here comes the Crocodile Tears
Curled up in your rocking chair, crying crocodile tears.
All of your things surround me, motionless.
My arms ache for you.
My heart doesn't beat the same.
I can't believe your gone.....still.
The phantom kicks have faded, oh how cruel those are.
A few pictures, a few items, a few memories, is all that is left.


THE Store...First Encounters
Walking into the store.
Am I going to see someone I haven't seen yet.
Heart starts to race.
I see her, it's going to be okay, just get it over with.
She looks my way, then looks away. (feel like I have in bold face letters on my forehead MY BABY DIED)
Walking down the isle, on a mission, to get in and get out.
I look down the isle and there is someone I didn't expect to see.
She hasn't acknowledged our loss.
Eye contact. Oh, shoot.
I said hi and she said hi back. 
I walk fast. 
Grab what I need and head to check out.
All the while hoping she doesn't come find me.
Why would she? She didn't even send a card. Why bother now?
Heart racing. Just get me out of here.
Maybe I should just put the item down and walk out the door.
Long line.
"I can help you over here."
Oh, thank goodness.
I have the correct change in hand and I'm out of there.
Don't know if I will go there again. 

 "Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time"

'Holding onto Hope'

There's got to be more to LIFE than THIS.

I'll love you forever baby boy!! Mommy