My Reality: Planning doesn't always get you what you want/dream for.

I Planned For...I Got.I planned for mommy groups.

I got baby loss support groups.

I scheduled for bring your baby to yoga classes.

I got unpack your grief yoga workshops.

I hoped for new mommy friends.

I got new mommy friends with dead babies like me.

I thought I would get congratulations cards with balloons.

I got condolence cards with sympathy, of course.

I bought diapers, that I won't open.

I have ovulation tests, that I dread having to use.

I saw play dates in my future.

I now have graveyard visits.

I prepared for breastfeeding.

I got engorged breasts instead.

I was dreading sleepless nights.

I get to hide away and sleep all day.

I waited for walks with the stroller through the park.

I get walks with grief instead.

I pictured putting her down for naps.

I get restless nights forever.

I dreamed of holding her in my arms.

Instead, I get to hold her only in my heart.


Written by Lindsey @ www.stillbornandstillbreathing.com

5 years in heaven

5.....you should be a 5 year old, fun, loving, very energetic  boy running around in our home chasing after your siblings.
The hurt & pain are still immensely felt. There are no words to describe it.
I just can't believe 5 years have gone by since I held & kissed your beautiful face.
I love & miss you so very much! Your sister & brother speak your name & know you are a huge part of our family. Oh, how it breaks my heart to hear your sister say she wants you to come to our house and play. She says she wants to see you and hug you. I do too sweetie, me too! Sissy can't wait for your birthday party. She sees your cake decorations and says its for Aidyn's birthday party. What she doesn't quite understand yet is you will not physically be "here" for it. Ugh.....its so very hard!
I love you forever baby boy! My heart aches for you and always will because your the piece of my heart that lives in heaven.
Happy 5th birthday in heaven! I know it will be a glorious day rejoicing with Jesus, angels, all the other babies, & your relatives.
Hugs & kisses sweet boy
Love you to heaven and back
Momma

I got a front row seat, To the longest wait

http://iheartinspiration.com/quotes/no-one-else-will-ever-know-the-strength-of-my-love-for-you-after-all-youre-the-only-one-who-knows-what-my-heart-sounds-like-from-the-inside/

 

 

http://smallbirdstudios.storenvy.com/


I love you to heaven and back Aidyn Clare!  The WAIT is torture, but oh what a glorious day it will be when the day comes when I get to hold you in my arms again!
-Mommy

"So, you must be the busy mom of the house."

The awkward encounters I dread.  One happened today. 

I just arrived home from Aidyn's resting spot and left the garage door open and ran inside real quick.  I thought I heard a knock at the door, but wasn't sure.  I went out into the garage and there was a car parked in the driveway.  The car kind of looked like the next doors neighbors car.  I went around the corner and there was a college age kid standing there, briefcase in hand.  He did not look familiar so I knew he was not one of the neighbors.  The first thing out of his mouth was, "So, you must be the busy mom of the house."  I stood there staring blankly at him (duh, you should know I am a mom, but my baby died!).  I did not say a word.  He then proceeded to say he was going around sharing information about a book program for children and he need to reach out to 50 families for class credit.  He then says something along the lines of which schools we use.  I said none of them.  He then says, "So what age are your children?"  Oh, my gosh! REALLY??? I say we have a child, but he is deceased.  Without hesitation he says, "Oh, I see.  Well, I will show you what I'm doing so you know because I will be in the area often."  So, I stood there letting him tell me what he was doing.  He was rather quick, which I didn't mind at ALL.  He then asked which houses he could stop at in the neighborhood that had children so he could skip the elderly folks homes. 

Oh, how I wish my conversation with him could have been different and with a bare footed, giggly, little boy running around.

Ugh...it just hurts deeply.  :(

White Signs of Grief

 

Thank you Nora's mom!:  http://whitesignsofgrief.blogspot.com/

 

I love you and miss you so much Aidyn!  I will love you forever and always!
Love, Mommy

My Wish, For You

Triggers pop up when I least expect them.  The tears are at the surface and ready to flow at any given second.  This past weekend at a wedding reception (our first since you went to be with Jesus) watching the mother and son dance (and to the song- My Wish by Rascal Flatts) pulled the trigger.  The trigger of emotions and longing for you Aidyn Clare.  I will never get to dance with you at your wedding.  Oh, how I wish I could have that dance with you.  I will wait to dance with you in heaven.

I love you to heaven and back my sweet son, forever and always.  -Mommy

Oh, God How I Need You

20 months- how can it be?

I love and miss you so very much sweet Aidyn. 

I still can't believe this is our life, one without you.  One where I think over and over again, "My baby died", repeat, repeat, repeat. 

Mother's Day is approaching and I feel the heaviness in my heart. It's so hard to celebrate being a mother or even feel like one when my children are in heaven. 

I love you forever and always- Hugs & Kisses- Mommy