Hugs from Heaven

When your little sister writes your name and I find it randomly laying around.❤

💔

220,752,000 seconds of missing, loving, grieving, & waiting to see your beautiful face in heaven

Dear Mommy: A letter from Heaven

stillstandingmag.com/2017/08/dear-mommy-letter-heaven/

8/25/2017

Dear Mommy,
I know you have a hard time facing each day without me, struggling to make sense of my death.  I see you cry before bed each night and in your car on the way to work.  I’m so sorry, Mommy.

I’m sorry I had to leave so soon.  I didn’t want to leave you, but please know that although you cannot see me, I am never far away.

Those chills you get when you are all alone, it’s me giving you a hug.  I’m still here, Mommy.  I’m right here. Those beautiful rainbows that stop you in your tracks.  It’s me saying hello.   Those butterflies that flutter around you.  It’s me reminding you you’re not alone.

I hear you say goodnight to me as you drift to sleep each night.  You can’t hear me, but I whisper “goodnight” back.  I wish you could hear me whisper “I love you” everyday.

I know you miss me with every breath you take.  That every joyful moment is also filled with sadness and wonder.  Wonder of what I would be like, what I would look like, what I would become.  I wish you could see me now, Mommy.  I’m happy.  I’m free.

Mommy, I want you to know that I’m okay.  I’m at peace now.  I know it’s not easy to get through the days, but you keep on going, bringing me with you every step of the way.  Thank you, Mommy.
I know one of your biggest fears is that people will forget about me.  They haven’t forgotten, Mommy.  You keep my memory alive.  You say my name and tell my story.  I live on through you.
I’m so proud that you are my Mommy.  You are so brave, so kind, so loving.  Although our time together was short, you always took care of me.  Protected me.  Loved me.  You are such a good Mommy.

Don’t question if I knew how much you loved me, I knew.  I can still feel your love, it reaches me all the way in heaven.

I know there are days that you think you can’t keep going.  Days that you can’t wait to join me, just so you can hold me and kiss me one more time.  I know how much you long for that day, but please keep living, Mommy.  I want you to live, to smile, to feel joy.  You don’t need to feel guilty when you’re happy.  I like to see you smile. I love the sound of your laugh.

Please keep going.  Keep carrying me with you in all that you do.  I promise I’m here, Mommy.  I’m waiting here for you.  I will always be with you, sending my love from heaven, until you can hold me again.
Don’t let go, Mommy.  I live on through you.  I’m a part of you.  I love you.
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http://stillstandingmag.com/2017/08/dear-mommy-letter-heaven/

6 Years

Still.....

Wanting- You here with us on earth and in my arms.
Missing- Everything about you and who you would be today.
Wondering- What you would look like and your likes and dislikes.
Wishing- I could turn back time to have you in my arms again.  Hold you longer, kiss you more, and take you all in.
Loving- You forever and always.
Waiting- Until that glorious day when I can see and hold you again.

Happy 6th birthday in Heaven sweet boy.   9/5/11
I'm loving and missing you intensely.  My heart aches for you still.
I love you forever and always.
Momma

My Reality: Planning doesn't always get you what you want/dream for.

I Planned For...I Got.I planned for mommy groups.

I got baby loss support groups.

I scheduled for bring your baby to yoga classes.

I got unpack your grief yoga workshops.

I hoped for new mommy friends.

I got new mommy friends with dead babies like me.

I thought I would get congratulations cards with balloons.

I got condolence cards with sympathy, of course.

I bought diapers, that I won't open.

I have ovulation tests, that I dread having to use.

I saw play dates in my future.

I now have graveyard visits.

I prepared for breastfeeding.

I got engorged breasts instead.

I was dreading sleepless nights.

I get to hide away and sleep all day.

I waited for walks with the stroller through the park.

I get walks with grief instead.

I pictured putting her down for naps.

I get restless nights forever.

I dreamed of holding her in my arms.

Instead, I get to hold her only in my heart.


Written by Lindsey @ www.stillbornandstillbreathing.com

5 years in heaven

5.....you should be a 5 year old, fun, loving, very energetic  boy running around in our home chasing after your siblings.
The hurt & pain are still immensely felt. There are no words to describe it.
I just can't believe 5 years have gone by since I held & kissed your beautiful face.
I love & miss you so very much! Your sister & brother speak your name & know you are a huge part of our family. Oh, how it breaks my heart to hear your sister say she wants you to come to our house and play. She says she wants to see you and hug you. I do too sweetie, me too! Sissy can't wait for your birthday party. She sees your cake decorations and says its for Aidyn's birthday party. What she doesn't quite understand yet is you will not physically be "here" for it. Ugh.....its so very hard!
I love you forever baby boy! My heart aches for you and always will because your the piece of my heart that lives in heaven.
Happy 5th birthday in heaven! I know it will be a glorious day rejoicing with Jesus, angels, all the other babies, & your relatives.
Hugs & kisses sweet boy
Love you to heaven and back
Momma

I got a front row seat, To the longest wait

http://iheartinspiration.com/quotes/no-one-else-will-ever-know-the-strength-of-my-love-for-you-after-all-youre-the-only-one-who-knows-what-my-heart-sounds-like-from-the-inside/

 

 

http://smallbirdstudios.storenvy.com/


I love you to heaven and back Aidyn Clare!  The WAIT is torture, but oh what a glorious day it will be when the day comes when I get to hold you in my arms again!
-Mommy

"So, you must be the busy mom of the house."

The awkward encounters I dread.  One happened today. 

I just arrived home from Aidyn's resting spot and left the garage door open and ran inside real quick.  I thought I heard a knock at the door, but wasn't sure.  I went out into the garage and there was a car parked in the driveway.  The car kind of looked like the next doors neighbors car.  I went around the corner and there was a college age kid standing there, briefcase in hand.  He did not look familiar so I knew he was not one of the neighbors.  The first thing out of his mouth was, "So, you must be the busy mom of the house."  I stood there staring blankly at him (duh, you should know I am a mom, but my baby died!).  I did not say a word.  He then proceeded to say he was going around sharing information about a book program for children and he need to reach out to 50 families for class credit.  He then says something along the lines of which schools we use.  I said none of them.  He then says, "So what age are your children?"  Oh, my gosh! REALLY??? I say we have a child, but he is deceased.  Without hesitation he says, "Oh, I see.  Well, I will show you what I'm doing so you know because I will be in the area often."  So, I stood there letting him tell me what he was doing.  He was rather quick, which I didn't mind at ALL.  He then asked which houses he could stop at in the neighborhood that had children so he could skip the elderly folks homes. 

Oh, how I wish my conversation with him could have been different and with a bare footed, giggly, little boy running around.

Ugh...it just hurts deeply.  :(

White Signs of Grief

 

Thank you Nora's mom!:  http://whitesignsofgrief.blogspot.com/

 

I love you and miss you so much Aidyn!  I will love you forever and always!
Love, Mommy

My Wish, For You

Triggers pop up when I least expect them.  The tears are at the surface and ready to flow at any given second.  This past weekend at a wedding reception (our first since you went to be with Jesus) watching the mother and son dance (and to the song- My Wish by Rascal Flatts) pulled the trigger.  The trigger of emotions and longing for you Aidyn Clare.  I will never get to dance with you at your wedding.  Oh, how I wish I could have that dance with you.  I will wait to dance with you in heaven.

I love you to heaven and back my sweet son, forever and always.  -Mommy

Oh, God How I Need You

20 months- how can it be?

I love and miss you so very much sweet Aidyn. 

I still can't believe this is our life, one without you.  One where I think over and over again, "My baby died", repeat, repeat, repeat. 

Mother's Day is approaching and I feel the heaviness in my heart. It's so hard to celebrate being a mother or even feel like one when my children are in heaven. 

I love you forever and always- Hugs & Kisses- Mommy

Missing you

Dear Aidyn,

I can't believe it has been 19 months since I've seen your beautiful face.  I miss you so very much and the longing for you has not ceased.  Learning to live without you is not easy.  We had so many plans for you and we are missing out on so much.  I can only imagine what you would be like today.  I often wonder what kind of personality you would have and oh how I long for your smile, hugs, kisses, giggles, and sweet voice.  Sweet boy, I love you so very much.  Until we meet again.

Love you forever and always,
Mommy

Another 5th

Oh, sweet boy how I miss you so much.  I miss you more and more every.single.day. It's hard to believe all that I have missed out on, who you would be today.  I try to imagine what you would look like and what kind of personality you would have.  I do know you would be so loved by everyone and bring us so much joy.

My heart breaks a little more today as a very special boy, whom you would have been buddies with, was diagnosed with leukemia.  The 5th always hurts, but it hurts just that much more knowing a little boy has to go through such suffering.  I hope God will heal his body and give him comfort.

I love you forever and always.
Mommy

16 Months.....I Still Need You

16 months since you were born and went to heaven
16 months since I saw your beautiful face
16 months since I held you
16 months since I kissed your cheek
16 months since I learned what true love was
16 months since my heart was shattered
16 months since I said hello and goodbye

16 months is WAY too LONG. It's still so hard to believe that I have to live the rest of my life without you.

I'll love you forever sweet boy!
Mommy

Grief is not a disease

Crocodile Tears

Missing You....Here comes the Crocodile Tears
Curled up in your rocking chair, crying crocodile tears.
All of your things surround me, motionless.
My arms ache for you.
My heart doesn't beat the same.
I can't believe your gone.....still.
The phantom kicks have faded, oh how cruel those are.
A few pictures, a few items, a few memories, is all that is left.


THE Store...First Encounters
Walking into the store.
Am I going to see someone I haven't seen yet.
Heart starts to race.
I see her, it's going to be okay, just get it over with.
She looks my way, then looks away. (feel like I have in bold face letters on my forehead MY BABY DIED)
Walking down the isle, on a mission, to get in and get out.
I look down the isle and there is someone I didn't expect to see.
She hasn't acknowledged our loss.
Eye contact. Oh, shoot.
I said hi and she said hi back. 
I walk fast. 
Grab what I need and head to check out.
All the while hoping she doesn't come find me.
Why would she? She didn't even send a card. Why bother now?
Heart racing. Just get me out of here.
Maybe I should just put the item down and walk out the door.
Long line.
"I can help you over here."
Oh, thank goodness.
I have the correct change in hand and I'm out of there.
Don't know if I will go there again. 

 "Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time"

'Holding onto Hope'

There's got to be more to LIFE than THIS.

I'll love you forever baby boy!! Mommy

Who You'd Be Today

I think of you all the time.  I wonder what you would be doing and what you would look like.  I think you would look a lot like daddy.  I can't believe it has been almost 5 months since I seen and held you.  It's just not FAIR!!
I should not have time, I should be busy, busy playing and caring for you.  I hate the weekends! I was so looking forward to my weekends with you, family time. I hate when we have snow days! I would rather be at work.  Having a snow day is just another reminder of what could have been.  I would have stayed home with you. 
I miss you every single day, from sun up to sun down.  This reality, without you, SUCKS!!

I will love you forever Aidyn Clare!! Mommy

Undecided...and Still B r o k e n

I haven't written in a while because I've been debating on whether to make my blog private or delete it all together.  I don't feel like I can totally write all of my thoughts and feelings because I don't want to offend anyone or make people (family, friends) think I'm referring to them.  At times I wish only others in the BLM (baby loss mom) community were reading my blogs and not others.  I know my feelings are normal, but I know others who haven't lost a child would not understand and think I'm insane. 
Do any of you other BLM's have any suggestions?

Well, we survived one of our firsts without Aidyn.  Christmas was especially hard.  Last year on Christmas morning we found out we were pregnant with Aidyn.  That was the best gift ever!  We were so excited, but also very cautious because of our miscarriage that we had three months before.  Little did we know, our hearts would be torn to pieces in ten months and our lives would be turned upside down.

This Christmas we went to church and celebrated Jesus's birth.  We then came home and closed out the world.  We did open gifts that some had given to us in remembrance of Aidyn.  I was very grateful for them and so glad they didn't forget him.  The worst thing one can do is to forget our baby, Aidyn.
The only gift I wanted was Aidyn.  I didn't want to think about how others were gathered together with their families and celebrating with their babies, but how could we not. How unfair it is that we couldn't have our son with us this Christmas.  It's a dagger to the heart, twisting, excruciating pain.  We went to the cemetery to wish our son a Merry Christ-mas.  I wanted so bad to send a sky lantern off in the sky, but it was too windy and it just burnt out.  So, this Christ-mas I was thankful for Jesus's birth, God's gift to us, and hoping for him to return very soon so I can hold and be with Aidyn again.

2011 was the best and worst year ever! We hope and pray that 2012 will bring much needed joy into our lives. 

I did start a new blog for BLM's.  It's called Aidyn's Angels (www.aidynsangels.blogspot.com).  I hope to make Angels for other BLM's with their baby's footprints/handprints. 


I'll Love you forever baby boy!! mommy

the 9th, another horrible day

Friday, December 9th was 3 months since we buried our precious son. I get sick to my stomach thinking of his body being underground.  ugh...hate it!

I've been wanting to make something to put on his grave.  Finally I decided I would make a wreath.  I made the wreath today and I think it turned out great.  Way better than one we would have boughten at the store.  Nothing is perfect enough for him or ever will be.

I love you to the moon and back Aidyn Clare! Even that does not even begin to describe how much I love you. But do know that Mommy will love you forever!!!