Grief is not a disease

Crocodile Tears

Missing You....Here comes the Crocodile Tears
Curled up in your rocking chair, crying crocodile tears.
All of your things surround me, motionless.
My arms ache for you.
My heart doesn't beat the same.
I can't believe your gone.....still.
The phantom kicks have faded, oh how cruel those are.
A few pictures, a few items, a few memories, is all that is left.


THE Store...First Encounters
Walking into the store.
Am I going to see someone I haven't seen yet.
Heart starts to race.
I see her, it's going to be okay, just get it over with.
She looks my way, then looks away. (feel like I have in bold face letters on my forehead MY BABY DIED)
Walking down the isle, on a mission, to get in and get out.
I look down the isle and there is someone I didn't expect to see.
She hasn't acknowledged our loss.
Eye contact. Oh, shoot.
I said hi and she said hi back. 
I walk fast. 
Grab what I need and head to check out.
All the while hoping she doesn't come find me.
Why would she? She didn't even send a card. Why bother now?
Heart racing. Just get me out of here.
Maybe I should just put the item down and walk out the door.
Long line.
"I can help you over here."
Oh, thank goodness.
I have the correct change in hand and I'm out of there.
Don't know if I will go there again. 

 "Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time"

'Holding onto Hope'

There's got to be more to LIFE than THIS.

I'll love you forever baby boy!! Mommy

Who You'd Be Today

I think of you all the time.  I wonder what you would be doing and what you would look like.  I think you would look a lot like daddy.  I can't believe it has been almost 5 months since I seen and held you.  It's just not FAIR!!
I should not have time, I should be busy, busy playing and caring for you.  I hate the weekends! I was so looking forward to my weekends with you, family time. I hate when we have snow days! I would rather be at work.  Having a snow day is just another reminder of what could have been.  I would have stayed home with you. 
I miss you every single day, from sun up to sun down.  This reality, without you, SUCKS!!

I will love you forever Aidyn Clare!! Mommy

Undecided...and Still B r o k e n

I haven't written in a while because I've been debating on whether to make my blog private or delete it all together.  I don't feel like I can totally write all of my thoughts and feelings because I don't want to offend anyone or make people (family, friends) think I'm referring to them.  At times I wish only others in the BLM (baby loss mom) community were reading my blogs and not others.  I know my feelings are normal, but I know others who haven't lost a child would not understand and think I'm insane. 
Do any of you other BLM's have any suggestions?

Well, we survived one of our firsts without Aidyn.  Christmas was especially hard.  Last year on Christmas morning we found out we were pregnant with Aidyn.  That was the best gift ever!  We were so excited, but also very cautious because of our miscarriage that we had three months before.  Little did we know, our hearts would be torn to pieces in ten months and our lives would be turned upside down.

This Christmas we went to church and celebrated Jesus's birth.  We then came home and closed out the world.  We did open gifts that some had given to us in remembrance of Aidyn.  I was very grateful for them and so glad they didn't forget him.  The worst thing one can do is to forget our baby, Aidyn.
The only gift I wanted was Aidyn.  I didn't want to think about how others were gathered together with their families and celebrating with their babies, but how could we not. How unfair it is that we couldn't have our son with us this Christmas.  It's a dagger to the heart, twisting, excruciating pain.  We went to the cemetery to wish our son a Merry Christ-mas.  I wanted so bad to send a sky lantern off in the sky, but it was too windy and it just burnt out.  So, this Christ-mas I was thankful for Jesus's birth, God's gift to us, and hoping for him to return very soon so I can hold and be with Aidyn again.

2011 was the best and worst year ever! We hope and pray that 2012 will bring much needed joy into our lives. 

I did start a new blog for BLM's.  It's called Aidyn's Angels (www.aidynsangels.blogspot.com).  I hope to make Angels for other BLM's with their baby's footprints/handprints. 


I'll Love you forever baby boy!! mommy

the 9th, another horrible day

Friday, December 9th was 3 months since we buried our precious son. I get sick to my stomach thinking of his body being underground.  ugh...hate it!

I've been wanting to make something to put on his grave.  Finally I decided I would make a wreath.  I made the wreath today and I think it turned out great.  Way better than one we would have boughten at the store.  Nothing is perfect enough for him or ever will be.

I love you to the moon and back Aidyn Clare! Even that does not even begin to describe how much I love you. But do know that Mommy will love you forever!!!



Our Reality....Our Baby Boy Died

So today is the 4th again.  The 4th of every month will always be a reminder of the last day Aidyn was alive.  Tomorrow is the 5th, 13 weeks or 3 months since he has been gone.  The pain is still really intense at times.  Our reality is that there will always be a void in our lives.  We will always miss Aidyn and wonder what it would be like with him here.  We will never "get over it" no matter how much time goes by. 
I try to block stuff out so I can manage to do everyday activities, but it's impossible.  While in the store today I just happened to see a guy with a baby that looked to be about how old Aidyn would be.  Tears instantly filled my eyes.  Scott should have been holding Aidyn while we were shopping.  Our new normal SUCKS!!!  No one would even know that we are parents and that hurts, but we are Aidyn's and I wouldn't change that for the world.

Today we went to the zoo to check out the baby memorial garden.  We are going to purchase a memorial brick to be placed in the garden.  We had the zoo to ourselves, which was nice in regards to my emotional state of mind.

 

 

I'm hanging onto Hope and Jesus Christ!



I'll love and miss you forever Aidyn Clare!!  Love Mommy

Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving was hard, but we made it through. 

I have a lot to be thankful for even though my heart is in heaven. Most of all,  I am very thankful for Aidyn Clare.  Thankful for being his mother and carrying him in my womb for 39 weeks and 4 days.  It's hard living without him!
I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, and when I reach heaven, my baby you'll still be!
I love you Aidyn Clare!  <3 Mommy

Aidyn's name in the sand

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2011/11/aidyn-clare.html