It was nice to get away for a few days, but the hurt and pain is still the same. It's hard going any place and not be reminded of the hopes and dreams we had for Aidyn. I think about what he would have looked like as he grew up. I wonder what his favorite toys would have been and his favorite places to visit. I wish I could see his face when we fed him different foods for the first time. There's so many things I want to do: comb his hair, give him a bath, change his diaper, tickle him, play for endless hours, hear him laugh, hear him say "I love you", take him to the park, watch him open presents and look at Christmas lights, hear his first words, watch him get into things he's not supposed to, sing and rock him to sleep, read books to him, hug and kiss him.....the list is endless!!
While we were away, we were asked one of the hardest questions. We were asked if we had little ones by a sales lady. I wanted to say yes, a beautiful baby boy, but instead I looked away and Scott answered the question. I know that question will be asked again some day and I will answer YES! I do have a child, a heavenly child.
I feel very blessed that Aidyn chose me to be his mommy. There are many things I will never know about Aidyn, but I do know a few things from the time I spent with him as he grew inside me. Aidyn got the hiccups at least 2-3 times a day. He was a night owl, he was most alert at night time when I would lay on my left side. I believe he would have loved books (mommy would have made sure of it) because I read to him often. He liked his daddy's voice. Aidyn would often start moving around a lot when he heard his daddy's voice. He liked his space. If you touched my belly, he would push back. Wish I knew him here on earth!
Just some side notes:
-Just because I'm not crying, doesn't mean I'm not hurting inside.
-If you ask me how I'm doing, I'll probably say okay. The truth is, I'm not okay. I'm torn inside.
I love and miss you to pieces Aidyn Clare! - Mommy
Kimmy, thank you for inviting me to read your blog. I'm so sorry about your baby boy. I get asked often about the number of kids I have (I gave birth to my first son who was born still, Aiden, on 8/13/2010 and my second son, Kevin, born healthy on 11/1/2011). I almost always say Kevie's big brother passed away. Most people don't know how to respond, but I figure their few minutes of feeling awkward or embarrassed is nothing compared to a lifetime of grief. Sending you mountains of love and strength. xo
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