All I can do is ask why. Why did this happen to us? I get so angry! I get so mad when I see others with their babies. Why can't we have ours? It's just not FAIR! We deserve our baby boy too, darn it all! We entered the hospital anticipating the joy we would leave with and ended up leaving with empty arms and empty hearts. We're broken.
I feel as if others have moved on. We're stuck in time. I'm still waiting...waiting to wake up and have this be a really bad dream. I'm not crazy. I'm just a mother that is mourning the loss of her child. A mother that never got to see her baby boys eyes. A mother that never got the chance to rock her baby to sleep or feed her baby. A mother that will never get to do a lot of things for her baby boy, here on earth.
It is so frustrating to hear others complain about their lives and their children. Oh, what I wouldn't give to have sleepless nights and have so called "problems". I know they don't understand and I don't want them to understand what it feels like to not have a child here on earth because it is so PAINFUL.
The grieving process is so hard to understand. At times I'm okay and then it hits me like a ton of bricks. Sometimes my chest feels heavy and I feel like I could vomit. I think people think I'm fine because I'm not crying all the time. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I just can't cry anymore. If I smile, it's not a true smile. I'm not happy at all. My happiness left with Aidyn.
1. I like to hear Aidyn's name.
2. Aidyn is a part of Scott and I. I want him to be remembered on Holidays and everyday.
3. I don't want people to pretend like nothing happened.
4. Work is a distraction. I still think of Aidyn at work. I'm still not sure how I feel about discussing Aidyn with co-workers. As I said, work is a distraction.
5. I don't want to be around a lot of people.
6. I don't want to bring others down, that's why I'm distancing myself.
7. The sight of pregnant woman and baby boys is a punch in the gut.
8. Everything can be a reminder of what could have been.
9. I don't want to see a counseler, at least at the time being. I don't want someone telling me how I should be feeling or what I need to do. I have found some comfort in talking with other baby loss mothers, they understand.
10. I have found comfort in God, but it doesn't take the pain of losing Aidyn away.
11. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, but I do want them to pray for us and our healing. I want them to pray for Aidyn and his new life with the Lord.
12. I'm taking it one minute at a time. I know we'll make it through, some how.
13. I'm angry and very hurt.
14. I feel like I've been robbed. Robbed of being a earthly mother twice. I've wanted this for so long.
15. I prayed for a healthy child, but never thought of praying to have a healthy living child.
I love you Aidyn Clare!! You have made me proud! Love you Forever....Mommy
I hope you will feel less stuck in time (stuck in those first moments)as time goes on. I know it was hard to feel like that would ever go away. It still happens to me frequently, but not multiple times a day/hour as it did in those first months.
ReplyDeleteNone of this is fair or right and it certainly doesn't make any kind of sense. I think that smile we used to smile is gone, but a new different kind takes it's place. I have caught myself laughing and smiling, but it still feels different.
I pray for you daily and think of your family (including Aidyn) often.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about this feeling like a bad dream...it seems so unreal! I too get jealous when I see pregnant women and families with their babies, and I know what you mean about hearing people complain about their "problems". I wish I had sleepless nights because I was taking care of my daughter, I wish I had to pay for lots of diapers, and I wish I had to find a babysitter when we decide to go out for a while. None of it makes sense.
ReplyDeleteI continue to keep you, your family, and Aidyn in my thoughts and prayers. He will never be forgotten!